Holidays can be hard for grieving families

CINDY WOOD/independent feature writer

Jamie Temple will never forget her dad’s infectious smile on Christmas morning, the kiss on her head he always greeted her with, or his famous pancakes.

This year, sadly, there won’t be a kiss, as Temple’s father, Lewis “Boose” Painter, passed away earlier this year from cancer and she knows the holidays just won’t be the same without him.

According to psychologytoday.com, families who have lost loved ones, no matter how recent, can experience overwhelming feelings of holiday grief, guilt or sadness. But there are things families can do to help ease the pain of loss during the holidays.

“This year was the hardest of my life,” Temple said, adding that, as the holidays approach, she is comforted by knowing her father’s presence will be with the family: “he was always there, no matter what.”

The simple things, such as decorating the tree, preparing holiday meals, or even burning wood in the fireplace, will bring back memories of loved ones. Honoring and cherishing those memories, psychologists say, will help ease the pain of a family member’s absence. In her book Understanding Myself: A Kid’s Guide to Intense Emotions and Strong Feelings, Mary C. Lamia, Ph.D., offers the following suggestions to families going through grief at the holidays:

• Talk about a memory that involves the lost loved-one. Encourage family members to discuss pleasant memories of the holidays, rather than ignore them or focus primarily on the loss;

• Do things you enjoyed doing with the person you lost;
• Make a box that includes special reminders about the person lost. Draw a picture, write a story, or make notes about special memories that had to do with the particular holiday;
• Cry if you feel like crying. Crying lets other people know that you need comforting.
• Remember and don’t forget. Acceptance is helpful to moving on in life, especially when painful reminders obscure pleasant memories.

Focusing on the type of person her father was, Temple said, will help ease her family’s first holiday season without him.

“I’m trying not to let the sadness of our first Christmas without him overshadow the bigger picture of what my dad meant to me,” she said, adding, “most of all, my father was a giver. He would never tell us things he wanted for Christmas.

“He would always say that he wanted his kids or grandkids to have a great Christmas,” Temple added, noting, “he lit up anytime his children or his grandchildren would squeal with excitement over the perfect present.”

Tammy Metzger of Van Wert and her extended family will also be celebrating their first holiday season without matriarch Heather Metzger — and her absence will be a noticeable void as the family gathers together this year.

“She was the solid bond that held this family together,” Metzger said. “We know there will be a void this year, but we will fill it with stories and memories, and we know she will always be there with us.”

Major Art Barter of The Salvation Army in Van Wert said he sees many instances of depression when a family loses a loved one. Barter said he advises these families to remember three things as they celebrate the holidays:

• Stay in the light. “Sometimes when people get depressed, they want to sit alone in their home with the lights out,” Barter said. “I advise them to get into the light, and out of the darkness.”
• Help someone else. “That really does take your mind off your own issues. Volunteer for a charity, of if you have a neighbor who needs help, go help them. It will take your mind off your own situation, at least for a little while.”
• Go to church. “There’s something about being around people who want to sing and worship. It’s really hard for people starting a season without a loved one, but these three things I believe will help families have an enjoyable holiday.”

Laura Willingham of Van Wert lost her young son to cancer, making the holidays a difficult time, but Willingham said working during the holidays at a local nursing home helps ease her pain.

“A lot of people don’t have anyone to share that time with, and it makes me feel good to be with them,” Willingham said, adding, “and then I get to go home with my family, and I’m very thankful for what I do have.”

As the days pass and the holidays draw nearer, Temple said she will be reminded of her father’s never-ending smile and excitement about the holidays.

“Ever since I can remember, Christmas morning held an excited ‘Merry Christmas’ greeting from my dad and a kiss on the head,” she said. “He was dressed in his pajama pants and white t-shirt, sipping coffee in the chair, which was always turned sideways at the kitchen table,” Temple said. “Sometimes, even now, I will turn the chair sideways because it just doesn’t look right pushed into the table. Man, I miss him!”